Week commencing 8th March

Now where have I been – couldn’t actually tell you. I’ve been eating, I know that much! Life has gone on pretty much without incident (except TGUW has left home) but I have still managed to be quietly totally out of control. My eating has been hitty missy with home cooked meals few and far between and lunch taking very low priority.

I have not formally exercised in the last two weeks but I have been to yoga, been the only one there apart from the teacher which highlighted by inflexibility and my cheating too. On the Sunday I did not Zumba as my much younger colleague bailed out with a hang over (they say that youth is wasted on the young!) so I went for a walk instead. I walked from my house in Bridge Street around the back of the Citroen garage (points of interest) along by Althams, crossed over by Ghyllmount Dentist, walked by North Lakes Spa and the long way round, not by North Lakes School, but by the Cricket Club and Ullswater School instead. Stopped at Step-Papas for a cup of tea and then home via the shortest way possible. I felt very good, relaxed, toned and then slept for most of the day! All this thanks to a hang over and not even mine!

Now I have a confession to make. I am an emotional eater. There, I said it. Any change in my emotions and I head for food. Now I have made no secret of the fact that my son and I have a dis-harmonious relationship at the moment but it has gone on for over a year and finally came to ahead. I asked him to leave and live elsewhere and within 24 hours he had cleared his belongings from his room and set up camp with a friend. The attic room is strangely quiet and the food is the fridge is strangely still there but I have a broken heart. Now, without boring you with the finer details I do firmly believe that TGUW had out grown the nest and the fact that he settled quickly into new accommodation proves that he is resourceful and capable but I feel terrible. I am a failure as a Mother as well as a weight loser. I have spent the last week crying, pacing and re-living. It was a long time coming but not easy. If he had gone to University I would be fretting and sending food parcels but in this case I am not. I am fretting but the food is staying put!

Actually, the food is not staying put. I am herding it into my mouth with frightening ferocity. I actually had 3 Chunky Kit-Kats in one afternoon and the rugby hadn’t even started! And MGA and I have had three Chinese take outs this week.

No exercise (formal), half hearted attempt at weight loss, emotional termoil –
Weight loss this week = 1 lb


Week commencing 15th March

Not a great week by anybodies standards. Firstly I had my appraisal which only served to show that I am an incompetent, middle aged, bitter and twisted woman who cannot bare to be told that she is an incompetent, middle aged, bitter and twisted woman by someone’s whose chest still resides above their waist. I played dumb a lot of the time which meant that my appraiser had to answer the questions herself, I’m glad to say that she passed, but did not make her more tolerable of me.

The following day we had the research monitors in and they decided that out of the four desks in the office only one looked so inviting that they simply had to use it. I was evicted to the library. Now before all this happened I had received an e-mail to tell me that my friend, Annie, had died the day before. She had breast cancer five years ago and when I saw her last, five years ago, she had completed treatment and had had her mastectomy. In fact, she greeted me at her front door topless so I could see her scar. I would have preferred to walk into the house first and even have a cup of tea but that was Annie for you.

She had a huge impact on my life. I went to work on her ward just after Josh was born. I worked on the Bank there and was asked to apply for a permanent position when one came up. We worked together most weekends and did extra shifts together. I would collect her in the morning and drop her off after shift. She was once told off my the management for riding a bike on the ward and would frequently climb into bed with the patients if she felt that they were lonely or sad. We worked well together, she would wash hair and clean behind the beds while I would be looking after the acute patients and their machines. She taught me that to be a good nurse you don’t have to be good at looking after machines, read charts and balance budgets, it helps certainly, but to be a good nurse you have to have time, patience and a genuine interest in people. I looked after machines and she looked after people and I can tell you, she cracked it every time! We would have bacon sandwiches and maple and pecan twists on a Sunday and I adored her. She was married to a Malaysian man called Dave, had six beautiful children in 7 years, was a strict Catholic and called her husband, ‘The Black Bastard’. By the time I had moved to Cumbria Annie had 4 Grand-children and was as happy as a pig in …. She didn’t do birthday cards or Xmas cards so it was a bit one sided and no-body really new her age. I had actually been thinking of her all month because I know that her birthday is in March so was sending her positive thoughts. On the day of her retirement ‘do’ she was the only one that didn’t go because she was having a mastectomy – she didn’t tell a soul

Annie lived in a huge house in Goodmayes, Ilford. She loved her house and one of her sons was, is, a designer so there was always things going on. She prepared banquets for friends and encouraged children to thump away at the piano. Where you and I would have garden gnomes Annie had an over turned shopping trolley in the front garden and she had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. She had a boxer dog, endless cats and a house that was always upside down. She had a neighbour/odd job man called Penfold (Danger Mouse reference) and another neighbour called Asian Elvis (who had a thing for me incidentally). I last saw her five years ago after she had had her surgery but talked on the phone albeit infrequently. She was the kindest, wildest, most wanton woman I had ever met and she will definitely be the brightest star in heaven.

So, I spent the day in the library supposedly working but actually I just sat. I found a book about womens experiences of breast cancer and read that. They are so strong and resilient, I read it wonder!

Throughout the day I contacted and was contacted by friends in London and plans were made for me to go to Annies funeral on 25th March. I e-mailed my Auntie Shirley and Uncle Ken to say that I was coming to London and could we meet for a coffee. Ken e-mailed me back to say that Shirleys breast cancer had returned with force and had affected her bladder, bones and brain. She was under the care of Macmillan services and had a few weeks to live. I last saw Shirley in July at my Mums funeral and she was ageless, glamorous and as lady-like as ever. She went grey in her twenties so was ageless. She was also beautifully turned out, slim for all of her life and elegant. My Mum was the opposite and I remember as a kid being quite jealous of her daughters for having such a Mum. But I wouldn’t have swapped.

My week has not been great.

But I have been in control of my eating. My Caesar salad addiction is taking off nicely and in fact, members are following. I have been really well in control this week and planned evening meals too. It is easier cooking for just me and MGA, no pressure on time, no meat if we don’t want meat and just a relaxed atmosphere at home.

Weight loss = 2 lbs

Week commencing 22nd March

Going to London this week, to Annies funeral and to say goodbye to Auntie Shirley. Actually Auntie Shirley died on Monday morning at 6.30. As she was my Mums best friend, known me for 46 years and was a constant in my life, I feel slightly bereft. Anyway, food is the order of the day and food is where I find solace.

I was getting ready for group, walking around town, and had the desire for chocolate. The only thing I could find was a Double Decker so I bought it and walked along munching happily. Then it happened, an ex-member started waving furiously at me from across the road so I had to stop and exchange pleasantries. She asked about class and when I asked her when she would be coming back she told me while rubbing her seven month pregnant stomach.

What members will do to get out of coming to group!!

Have returned from 3 day visit to London which, quite frankly, was as bad as I thought. I saw my Mums Best Friends family and ate platefuls of food there. As the caterers had been in there were lots of lovely goodies including finger-food Danish Pastries. One had to try them! I had the statutory fish balls and was then given home-made Chicken soup. Now this was in a container, frozen and then secured with Redbridge Council Biohazard tape, just to make sure it could escape. When I got back to my friends where I was staying, the soup was placed in the freezer in between the frozen peas and frozen mice (they have a snake). I needed wine so had 3 glassfuls before falling into bed.

The following day I went to Annies funeral which turned out to be a full 90 minutes mass followed by a 30 minute burial. The mass was lovely but the crunch came when family talked about their Mum and how she had touched the lives of everyone that she met. There were poems and music and even a Soprano. It was beautiful but emotionally draining. Lunch was an M&S sandwich and dinner was at a Chinese restaurant at Gants Hill, with wine and then more wine at home. Oh yes, in between that I bought an ice cream which was a cone with a double scoop of mint choc chip and banana fudge. This is turning into a confessional!

The point I am trying to make is that it is okay to eat and eat what one wants but take charge and then don’t complain when the weight goes on. I have no way been out of control of my eating, I have been in control of eating whatever I want, enjoying it, and knowing why I am doing it. I feel sad, it’s as simple as that. But at the end of the week when I have put on that 2 lbs that I lost last week I will know why, except it and get back on track. In fact the getting back on track has already started. I took boiled egg and Caesar salad and yoghurts for lunch today, declined wine last night and left the chocolate in the display shelf in Morrisons. I feel in charge and empowered.

I did, however, do the dutiful cooking thing last night. Thinking that I had neglected MGA for three days I thought that I would cook to make up for it so attempted to re-create the Delia Smith Waitrose advert of Rhubarb and Ginger Crème Brulee. I replaced the greek yoghurt with Total 0% greek yoghurt and then replaced the double cream with fat free Creme Fraiche. The only dodgy thing was the sugar coating. So I boiled the rhubarb, drained off the juice, covered with the Crème Fraiche and Yoghurt mixture, covered liberally with brown sugar and grilled until bubbly. Then realised that I had forgotten to add the Ginger!

The result was absolutely delicious! The consistency was right, the rhubarb had bite and the topping was brittle. The whole thing was perfect, until I bit down on a piece of topping and broke my tooth! The Dentist estimates about £45 for the filling which is being done on Wednesday.

‘Are you still off chocolate?’, says Smartie-Pants-Thin-Colleague. ‘No’ replies Middle-Aged-But-Powerfully-Attractive-Bolg-Writer. The truth is I am back on my chocolate equals wellbeing cycle but did manage 4 weeks of abstinence which I think desires a ‘tificate. I didn’t really miss it and I haven’t really missed bread either, except that now it is back in the house I am eating it like the bomb is about to land. Strange isn’t it?

I have also been on my charity shop trawl and bought myself some new clothes, same size as before (14) but hey! I bought a grey wrap over dress, some ‘pull it up and hold it in’ tights and some big colourful beads. I looked great. Until I sat down that is, then the tights slipped, belly made bid for freedom and it was ‘bulges us’.

I never quite get it right.





Week commencing 5th April

I have survived Easter. Not only did I get no eggs, I bought no eggs either. I did buy fruit pastilles for MGA (I was tricked, Your Honour). I was given a box of Ferrero Roche chocolates and scoffed the lot – there was only 4 in the box and the excitement of eating them all while the kettle boiled was almost too much to bare. And I haven’t loss my mojo when it comes to eating quickly and quietly, a trait that MGA has also acquired, probably from my Mother.

I went to my Sisters for Easter Sunday and managed to fob her off with the Christmas pudding so my house was completely safe. I Have to ask at this point, does what you eat at someone else’s house count? I had salmon, pots and veggies but I don’t suppose the chocolate sponge with chocolate custard or the cheesecake was a good idea. Although dipping the strawberries in the chocolate custard was very popular amongst the other guests! Anyway, my fridge is full of salads, no bread since TGUW left home, sugar free jelly and low fat dips. Perfect!

But lo! What sight upon yon cupboard shelf doth breaks? It is fair jar of sauce and chocolate is its name! Now this jar of chocolate sauce is left over from the Ringtons Hamper that I bought at Xmas. I have no biscuits, sponge cake or Ryvitta left, the only thing I have is Rice Cakes. They’ll do!

Image the scene, sitting on chair, dressed in ‘Slanket’ (blanket with arms, thank fully no mouth!), over-sized hand knitted socks, eating rice cakes covered in chocolate sauce. MGA turns to me and says’ You want to have a look at yourself’

And I wonder why I’m single!


So today I am turning it around.
Organisation is the order of the day. Last night I got the slow cooker out and into I put mince turkey, pots, leeks, peas, onions, carrots, turnip that had seen better days, Lee & Perrins sauce, Oxo cube, boiling water = Varty Slosh. Now this dish is cooked over many, many hours and is ready for when myself and MGA have finished group. As everything is included there is no waiting for veg to cook so we eat as soon as we get in and because this recipe was given to us by the lovely Kim Varty it is cooked with love and is real comfort food.

Back to organisation;
Breakfast – Shreddies 29g = 40 shreddies
½ tub Total 0% greek yoghurt
Rest of chocolate sauce (cannot waste food, Mother would not be happy)
Chopped Pear (goes well with chocolate sauce)

Lunch – Caesar salad
Hard boiled egg
Muller Light yoghurts

Snack – Hi-Fi bar
Muller light yoghurt

Dinner – Varty Slosh

Naughty things – 1 Cadburys Crème egg (goooooo). I only bought 1 when the lady in the shop (her with horns and a tail) told me it was 2 for 80p (and you know how I love a bargin!)

Food Diary. I think I will give everyone a food diary tonight at group, just to get them back on track. Ideas come thick and fast when what you eat is healthy and energising!



Right so, back on track. Thursday had a really bad day which kinda slid into a really bad evening not helped by my Manager coming to watch me in action. I felt as though I had some reflection to do and this inspired me to get my act together so this weekend I;

Read Slimming World books
Read ‘Chooses Success’ especially concentrating on page 1 and page 4
Decided on changing usual foods so,
Bought new food
Cooked new food
Ate and enjoyed new food
Counted Syns when necessary
Allowed for 15 syns on Saturday and then back to 10 Syns on Sunday
Allowed for 10 syns for rest of week
Exercised – cleaned out shed
Exercised – cleaned out garden
Exercised – Hip Hop class at the gym. Yes, you read right, a hip hop class

Things I did differently;
Bought more fruit, on offer at Morrisons
Bought more veg, on offer at Morrisons
Counted stolen sweets, 4 midget gems = 1.5 syns, 8 = 3 syns stc
Allowed for more syns on Saturday, which I have recognised as my ‘rubbish at keeping to plan’ day
Expressed desire to lose weight and to eat healthily
Bought white blouse that requires stomach and over flowing chesticles to be kept under control/reduced, when wearing it.
Went to the gym
Planned exercise routine with colleague who is in training for marathon-type-activity and is therefore totally intolerant of excuses
Active at home, actually active in the garden
Planned meals ahead (Varty Slosh cooking as I write)
Planned lunches ahead and stuck to them (Its only Monday!)